The Faults in Our Lives: The Fault in Our Stars FanFiction
by beacuz
Summary: After losing Augustus, both Hazel and Isaac are devastated. This tragedy bonds them together and they become strong... and maybe even fall in love. But when all timing fails to succeed, terrible faults ruin lives. Mysteries, infinities and surprises are formed on the adventure of Hazel's life, making the impossible, possible. Read this dramatic story about trying to survive TFIOL.
1. Chapter 1

_Van Houten,_

_I'm a good person but a shitty writer. You're a shitty person but a good writer. We'd make a good team. I don't want to ask you any favors, but if you have time – and from what I saw, you have plenty – I was wondering if you could write a eulogy for Hazel. I've got notes and everything, but if you could just make it into a coherent whole or whatever? Or even just tell me what I should say differently._

_Here's the thing about Hazel: Almost everyone is obsessed with leaving a mark upon the world. Bequeathing a legacy. Outlasting death. We all want to be remembered. I do, too. That's what bothers me most, is being another unremembered casualty in the ancient and inglorious war against disease._

_I want to leave a mark._

_But Van Houten: The marks humans leave are too often scars. You build a hideous minimall or start a coup or try to become a rock star and you think, "They'll remember me now," but (a) they don't remember you, and (b) all you leave behind are more scars. Your coup becomes a dictatorship. Your minimall becomes a lesion._

_(Okay, maybe I'm not such a shitty writer. But I can't pull my ideas together, Van Houten. My thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations.)_

_We are like a bunch of dogs squirting on fire hydrants. We poison the groundwater with our toxic piss, marking everything MINE in a ridiculous attempt to survive our deaths. I can't stop pissing on fire hydrants. I know it's silly and useless – epically useless in my current state – but I am an animal like any other._

_Hazel is different. She walks lightly, old man. She walks lightly upon the earth. Hazel knows the truth: We're as likely to hurt the universe as we are to help it, and we're not likely to do either._

_People will say it's sad that she leaves a lesser scar, that fewer remember her, that she was loved deeply but not widely. But it's not sad, Van Houten. It's triumphant. It's heroic. Isn't that the real heroism? Like the doctors say: First, do no harm._

_The real heroes anyway aren't the people doing things; the real heroes are the people NOTICING things, paying attention. The guy who invented the smallpox vaccine didn't actually invented anything. He just noticed that people with cowpox didn't get smallpox._

_After my PET scan lit up, I snuck into the ICU and saw her while she was unconscious. I just walked in behind a nurse with a badge and I got to sit next to her for like ten minutes before I got caught. I really thought she was going to die, too. It was brutal: the incessant mechanized haranguing of intensive care. She had this dark cancer water dripping out of her chest. Eyes closed. Intubated. But her hand was still her hand, still warm and the nails painted this almost black dark blue and I just held her hand and tried to imagine the world without us and for about one second I was a good enough person to hope she died so she would never know that I was going, too. But then I wanted more time so we could fall in love. I got my wish, I suppose. I left my scar._

_A nurse guy came in and told me I had to leave, that visitors weren't allowed, and I asked if she was doing okay, and the guy said, "She's still taking on water." A desert blessing, an ocean curse._

_What else? She is so beautiful. You don't get tired of looking at her. You never worry if she is smarter than you: You know she is. She is funny without ever being mean. I love her. I am so lucky to love her, Van Houten. You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers._

I do, Augustus.

I do.

Lying on the warm grass, I stared into the eyes of the white illuminations that contrasted from the colour of the night. I kept my arms crossed over my chest, holding Augustus' note after reading it again, and thought some deep thoughts. Even though I didn't want them to, tears itched at my eyes and gradually flowed over my face. There were more and more with each thought.

A world without Augustus Waters was like a summer night without the stars; you'd rather not have it, but it was livable. Not likable, but livable. I would have to live with the occasional excruciating pain of my crappy lungs, and the absence of Augustus. Something, I never thought I would be able to do.

Every few minutes, something silly would remind me of Augustus, and an image of his lovely crooked smile would pop up in my head. Then all the thoughts would come back, leaving me worse than before.

After crying, I was exhausted, my lungs hurt, and I felt dry, like all of my water has been drained out of me, which is ironic considering the fact that my lungs frequently filled with fluid. I was almost out of breath, even though I had my nubs secured. I probably looked like a mess, with my hair all ruffled and my face flushed, dense and puffy. But I imagined Augustus telling me I was beautiful anyways, and me smacking him on the shoulder. Even with all the 844 220 people living in Indianapolis, I must've be the only one who cared that much. My thought changed a moment later.

"Hazel," my mother called. "A friend's here to see you."

I sat up, turned towards the backyard door, and saw Isaac stumbling in with his walking stick, Mom guiding him.

"Oh, um, walk straight… and… sit." I said, helping to guide Isaac.

He sat down next to me, pushing his cane together to make it smaller. Once settled, he jittered his leg a little bit, making him appear worried.

"Isaac…" I said before trailing off.

Before I could ask if everything was okay, he spoke.

"Hazel," he said a little anxiously while running a hand through his short black hair.

"Yes?"

"I-I can't do this." he stuttered as he shook his head. "I hate having no one to talk to for anything, I hate having no guy to play video games with, and I hate this cruel world without Gus."

"It's okay," I said not knowing what else to say.

"No, it's not, Hazel."

"You have me. I know I'm not as great as Gus, but I'm all you get for now." I said.

Isaac remained silent for a while before absent-mindedly saying, "Thanks."

Honestly, I felt bad for him. First, he had Monica leave him, then, he turned blind for God sakes, and finally, his best friend died. What a life.

When I looked over at Isaac, he was oddly solemn and probably lost in thought. I knew he could get pretty emotional, considering the fact that he'd almost destroyed Gus's basement the night he threw a tantrum over Monica. Behind his solid black glasses, I could never know what he was thinking.

"Hey," I said. He turned his head to face me and I hugged him, offering him some sort of comfort. Little did he know, he was giving me comfort too. Over his shoulder, I could hear him sniffling quietly. Out of nowhere, I felt the urge to cry once more, not being able to hold it in, and buried my face into Isaac's shoulder.

"Hey, Hazel?" he asked gently pushing off of me. "Do you think we can go see Gus' grave?"

"Sure. I'll drive."

* * *

The cemetery was eerie and quiet at night, so we felt that we needed to whisper, as if to not disturb the dead.

"Which one is his? I can't read in this lighting." Isaac asked.

I noticed the bunch of flowers that were sprawled across his tombstone, and walked towards it, dragging my oxygen tank behind me.

I didn't really know what to do at someone's grave. Well, it was Isaac's idea to come.

"How are you holding up?" I asked.

His lips curled up into a smirk and he said, "Better than when Monica left me."

"Oh, that was terrible. Were you aware that you were acting completely idiotic?"

"I think so. I don't know. It was all a blur." he replied. "Oh, and could you give me a ride to support group tomorrow? My mom's busy."

"Yeah, sure."

"Thanks."

"I think I should drop you home now. It's getting late." I said.

"Alright." he said. "Thanks again for everything, Hazel-Grace."

I giggle a little before rolling my eyes and saying, "Just Hazel."

* * *

In my car, I tried to engage Isaac in some conversation to get his mind off of things.

"Wait, so, he was in your car?" he asked with amusement.

"Yes! Peter Van Houten just popped out of nowhere and started talking to me." I scoffed and continued. "Like I would let him talk to me after what happened in Amsterdam. God, he was such a jerk."

Isaac laughed and I joined in. His laugh was contagious, and my anger towards Peter Van Houten disappeared.

"And then," I said while laughing. "He takes another swig of his drink, after announcing that he'd changed."

"Wow."

"Speaking of Peter Van Houten, you definitely have to read his book called An Imperial Affliction, which is my favourite book."

Isaac turned to face me for a long time with a blank facial expression until I realized that he was blind, and he couldn't read.

"Oh my god. I-I'm sorry. I totally forgot,"

"No, it's okay. I understand that people just can't help making fun of blind people. It just comes naturally. I get it." he said. I realized that Isaac was pretty sensitive. He turned away from me and lowered his head.

"I wasn't trying to make fun of you. I honestly forgot."

"Could you just… focus on finding my house, please?" He seemed a little heartbroken, but I didn't know what to do. I was never good at making people feel better. It was usually other people who would try to make me feel better. So the rest of the way to Isaac's house, we drove in deafening silence.


	2. Chapter 2

There was dust on the doorbell, which made it hard to press down properly. Once pressed, it didn't make any sound, and I stood there, wondering if Isaac could he could hear me or not. He suddenly opened the door, stepped out onto the porch, and extended his walking stick.

"Hi Isaac. I'm sorry if your feelings got hurt last night."

"Oh, it's okay. I'm fine." He seemed to have forgotten about yesterday, so I went with it.

"Why's your doorbell all messed up?" I asked.

"Well, we don't get that many visitors, and I don't really leave the house much, because of these." He paused to point at his eyes. "So the bell sort of just doesn't work anymore, but it's fun to see people try to press it." he said.

"I could use one of those." I said.

"Are you ready for support group?" Isaac asked.

"I hate it. It's boring and, just plain horrible." I replied. "My mom makes me go."

"So does mine."

Even though Isaac and I were standing on the leveled porch, he was still a little taller than me, and I practically had to look up to talk to him. He always dressed in these depressing dark colours, like black, blue, and brown occasionally, but I didn't hate it. That day, he was wearing a navy blue shirt and black pants. Plain? Yes. Repulsive? Definitely not.

I realized that I was staring at him, then suddenly looked away. It occurred to me that he was blind, and couldn't tell I was staring.

"With the shittiness of my eyes, I know you were staring at me." he said with a grin. "Wow. The doctors were right. My other senses _are_ improving!"

I laughed and grabbed my oxygen tank. "Come on, we're going to be late." I said.

We got out of the car, laughing at some joke that Isaac had made during the ride. Our laughing settled and I couldn't even remember what we were laughing about. Compared to the night before, I felt so much better. Isaac and I were becoming the unlikeliest of friends.

We walked out of the parking lot and towards the church. I remembered Monica and Isaac making love passionately in front of Monica's bright green car. He deserved better.

I let Isaac walk in front of me so I could guide him in, but looking past him, I saw a sign that read 'Out of Service' taped on the elevator, and a dreaded flight of stairs going down. I remembered the stairs at Anne Frank house, where I could barely breathe.

"Shit." I whispered under my breath.

"What?" Isaac asked as he stopped suddenly.

"Stairs." I said.

"Don't worry, I'll carry you."

"And the oxygen tank? Yeah, I don't think so."

I stared at the stairs like it was Peter Van Houten drinking in my car.

"I can do it." I said, barely believing myself.

"You sure? We can just ditch if you want."

"No. My mom says I have to go, and I probably should."

I swallowed hard and took a deep breath, preparing to conquer the stairs.

_I can do this I can do this I can do this…_

The words chanted in my head until I had enough power to start walking down the stairs. I dragged my oxygen tank down with me, which thumped with every step I took. About 15 steps down, I felt squeezing in my chest and it was difficult to pump air out of my mouth; almost nothing came out and I began to panic. I sucked and released air harder to take a couple more steps.

"Hazel, are you okay?" Isaac asked from behind.

I replied with loud wheezing and some stumbling.

"Hazel?" he asked louder.

The stairs blurred and I felt exhausted. I heard a muffled voice behind me, and I couldn't quite make out the words. Suddenly, everything faded.

My eyes started opening and I saw a familiar figure in front of my face. I could tell the figure was a male with brown hair. I smiled at the sight of him.

"Augustus?"

Filled with joy, I sat up and pressed my lips to his while running my hands through his hair. He kissed back too, with even more passion than I had given him. After five solid seconds, he pulled back. His hair was black and his facial features were all different. When my vision had settled, I realized I'd made a huge mistake.

"It's Isaac." he said.

I blushed and bit my lip, as if it would make things better.

"Oh my god." I said, breathing in the awkwardness in the air.

"Uh… sorry…" I said, still completely shocked.

"Well, it wasn't horrible. I actually enjoyed myself." he said.

His last remark didn't sink in much because I was still processing what I'd just done. Our friendship would be awkward forever. Looking around, I noticed I was in a hospital room, and I remembered that I'd fainted.

"Sorry…" That was all I managed to get out.

"It was fun while it lasted."

I shoved Isaac's chest and he barely moved.

"Let's just pretend that whole fiasco never happened." I suggested.

"You can pretend…"

"You're an idiot, you know." I said, half joking.

"By the way, your parents are waiting outside, talking to my mom."

"Oh. Let's get out of here."

He offered me his hand, but I got up myself, turning down any thoughts he had about us being in love.

When we were walking towards our parents, I said, "Thanks for somehow getting me to the hospital."

"Anytime." he said. I glanced down at his lips, remembering the accident which maybe wasn't so unfortunate after all.

"See you." I said.

"Bye, Hazel." he said.


	3. Chapter 3

The next day was foggy, even though it was still summer. I sat on the window seat of my room and reading An Imperial Affliction for the billionth time. Usually when I read it, I would feel excited and engaged. But not that day. All I could think about was Peter Van Houten and Amsterdam and my beloved Augustus. But mourning over him would never make me feel better. I hated to think it, but I had to move on.

I grabbed my car keys to drive to the one person who could make my pain go away (at least temporarily). The one person who could make me smile and laugh when I was crying inside. The one person who cared as much – or even more – about Gus; Isaac.

Walking down the stairs, I saw Mom watching America's Next Top Model, our favourite show. I stopped suddenly and she turned to look at me.

"Hey! Our show's on!" Mom exclaimed.

As much as I wanted to watch, I felt the need to see Isaac.

"Maybe another time." I said.

"Where're you going?" Dad said from the other side of the living room.

Not wanting to be constantly questioned, I quickly walked down the stairs.

"To see a friend." I said, right before leaving and shutting the door behind me, stronger than I'd intended to.

My parents never wanted me out of the house anymore. It was like they were afraid that I would break some boy's heart by my cancer getting stronger. Or like the outside world would eat me.

I was about to press the doorbell, but I paused and realized that it didn't work, and knocked instead. Something inside of me was eager to see Isaac's face again.

A brief moment after knocking, Isaac pulled the door open and smiled his usual full teeth smile. He flipped his hair and leaned on the door frame, crossing his arms.

"Hi," I said, forgetting why I came.

"Hi," he said back.

"It's Hazel."

"I know."

"How are you?"

"Blind."

"I can see that.

"You amuse me with your questions."

"Can I come in?"

"Of course."

He stepped back and let me come in before closing the door and walking next to me. His house was plain with barely any furniture. I assumed it was because he was blind, and his parents didn't want him bumping into anything by accident.

"We can go to my room." he said. He must've noticed something in my face, because after that he said, "Don't worry, it's on the main floor."

"Oh, good." I said. While walking to his room, a strange sense of awkwardness filled the air again.

"Good." he said, smirking again.

"Good." I repeated, louder than he'd said it.

He stopped suddenly and walked into a large room with a wide screen TV on the wall, a bed on the other side of it, and some other little items, here and there. We walked directly to his bed and sat down. I did the same.

"Wow, this is…" I started, then stopped, not wanting to insult him by saying how nice the room was.

"Is what?" he questioned.

"Is… fun." I replied hesitantly.

"Oh, Hazel." he said as he laughed to himself.

"Hey, do you want to play a video game?" he asked.

"I actually had another idea."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, don't get your hopes up. I was thinking that maybe I could read some of 'An Imperial Affliction' to you. Like, maybe from your computer." I said.

"Fine with me."

I got up and went to his computer. It was old and dusty, much like every other electronic in his house, well expect for his blind people gaming consoles. It took me a while to find online, so meanwhile, I talked to Isaac.

"Isaac?" I asked.

"Hmm?"

"I have a bunch of questions I've been meaning to ask you about being blind. Please, don't take them the wrong way, I'm just so curious."

"It's fine. Ask away!" he exclaimed from the bed.

The internet took ages to load.

"Okay. Firstly, do blind people blink?"

"Good question. We do. Blinking comes naturally as it does for you. It just feels a little bit weird."

"Interesting."

Finally, Google, as his home page, decided to pop up. I typed in 'An Imperial Affliction'.

"Isaac, do blind people dream?"

He paused before continuing.

"Yeah. I dream about so much. Maybe even more than the average person." He laughed to himself. "Back when I had eyes, I would lie down on the grass and watch the stars until I fell asleep right there, and dreamed about them."

"Me too." I turned away from the computer and looked at Isaac, who was smiling back at me.

Turning back, I noticed that the search engine had restarted and his computer had shut down.

"No!" I yelled.

"What now?" Isaac asked, nearly falling of the bed.

"Your computer sucks!"

"Yeah, I know." He laughed darkly. "Who's throwing a tantrum now?"

"Next time I see you, I'm bringing the actual book."

"You better." he said. "Can we play blind people video games now?"

We were interrupted by loud knocking on his bedroom door.

"Come in!" Isaac called.

The door opened and a teenage girl stood in the doorway, playing with her hair.

"Isaac, it's me." she said, her voice sounding thin with a hint of something I couldn't detect.

When I looked over at Isaac, he seemed to have known who it was right away.

"Monica?"


	4. Chapter 4

Monica had some nerve to just show up at Isaac's door as if everything was alright.

She looked at him with longing in her eyes. It seemed so fake, I was sick just looking at her. She'd once ruined Isaac's life by leaving him when he most needed her. How could someone do such a thing then come back as if nothing ever happened?

I glared at her from the computer chair.

"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Isaac. I was stupid for leaving you." she said. I looked at Isaac to see if he was believing all this, but his expression was blank. It at least seemed like it with his face dominating glasses on.

She stepped forward seductively, and I felt like I was really going to throw up. She finally sat on the edge of his bed about inches away from him. I hated to be there, helplessly watching it all.

"I missed you. Your hair, your laugh, your smile…" she trailed off, slowly touching his arm.

I attempted to loudly clear my throat, but it came out as a meek cough, and she continued.

_Stupid lungs,_ I thought.

"Love me," she said, right before kissing him for longer than enough. The weird thing was that Isaac was kissing back.

I turned away before I literally puked all over the floor. But I could still hear their passionate sound effects.

"Always," she said.

I got up and out the room as fast as I could. Confusion and annoyance surged through my veins, provoking my nausea. On the other side of the door, I heard Isaac mumbling, "Always," and then kissing her again.

When I was leaving the house, major heartbreak took over. We weren't dating or anything, but I still felt so betrayed. He had once been so angry over Monica leaving him, and then suddenly he was kissing her like there was no tomorrow.

_Guys are stupid. _I thought to myself as I got into my car.

I sat there for a while, catching my breath, then I realized that I had forgotten my keys in Isaac's room. I didn't want to go back, but there was no other way to get home.

I walked out of the car, into the house (which was unlocked), and to Isaac's door. The walk out and back in had been exhausting but nothing I couldn't handle.

I yanked open the door, only to have Monica walk right out, crying.

Isaac was sitting on the edge of his bed with his head turned away from me.

"What happened?" I asked as I sat down next to him.

He remained still, not talking, like I wasn't there.

"Well?" I questioned.

"All she did was use me. We never really had anything in common." He scoffed. "And I thought we were in love."

"So why was she crying?"

"I realized how stupid I was being, accepting her apology, then I pushed her off and told her to get the hell out. It was intense, but I think it was the right thing to do."

"It probably was. I'm sorry." I said.

He sighed and started muttering what sounded like violent stuff to himself.

"Calm down. Don't get all rage on me again." I joked.

That got him smiling.

"Someday, you'll find a girl who will love you for who you are." I said.

"Thanks, Hazel."

"It's okay. We'll get through this." I said, for once knowing what could make someone feel better. "We'll go over to my place so I can grab 'An Imperial Affliction,"

"You're never going to leave me alone until you read that to me, right?"

"Never."

"Your life is so boring, Hazel-Grace. All you do is read." he said. "I'll let you read 'An Imperial Affliction' to me if we do it where I want to."

"And where is that?"

"You'll see. It'll be a surprise." he said.

"And how are you even going to direct me there if you can't see?"

Isaac wasn't insulted. In fact, all this talk about being blind didn't bother him at all anymore.

"I'll find a way. Let's go get your book."

In Isaac's house, we had to pass through the living room to go outside. His Mom and Dad were sitting on the couch. They'd said hello, but didn't make much of an effort to question us, stop us from going outside, or protect us from the 'outside monsters' as my father would imply. Something about that made me like them even more.

On the ride to my house, Isaac still wouldn't tell me what his surprise destination was, no matter how much I pressed him. He tried to change the subject and we ended up exchanging phone numbers. I eventually realized he was steering me away from my main focus, and grilled him again.

Later, I gave up and we started talking about our futures. When I asked him what he wanted to be, he said that he had once wanted to be a graphic designer, but his dreams had been crushed, due to his eyes, so he didn't know what to do anymore. I suggested he became an actor because of his creative facial expressions, and he laughed it off.

When he asked me, I told him I wanted to be a million things, and couldn't decide. He suggested I became a pediatrician to help young cancer kids deal with their issues. I waved it off, but actually considered it.

If I could help kids like me feel normal, I would be like a super hero. Except no super heroes have cancer.

After entering the house, I sensed that Mom and Dad were waiting for me. Like actually longing for my arrival.

"Hazel!" Mom exclaimed right when I entered with Isaac.

"Oh, who's this?" Dad asked.

Bothered by their constant demand to know everything about my life, I was slow to answer.

"This is Isaac from support group." I said.

Dad seemed more bothered than I did.

"Hazel, can I speak to you privately?" he asked.

I followed him into the kitchen, not wanting to leave Isaac behind. What was with Dad and his nonsense no happiness rules?

I sat on the counter and crossed my arms, communicating how what he was about to say was completely unnecessary.

"First, you practically tell Augustus to stay away from me, and then you don't even let me out of the house, and now..." I rant about the meaninglessness of the confrontation.

"Hazel, you have to consider the boy's feelings. I mean, if you 'blow up', he'll be devastated, like you were with Augustus."

"But it's my life. And… and I think I _really_ like him." I said, maybe a little louder than intended.

"Please, Hazel, just let it be." he said, somehow tired of the conversation already.

"Let it be?" I asked. "Why don't you just let us be? Let me die in his arms or whatever. He'll get over it."

After realizing I'd practically yelled at him, he was a little bit bewildered. He didn't say anything after that, so I left the room, feeling guilty.

When I was out of the kitchen, the only person left was Mom. Isaac was gone.

"Did you kick him out or something?" I asked Mom.

All my parents ever wanted was for me to try to be a normal teenager and have friends. Why were they pushing Isaac away?

I've once loved Augustus, who had died. I was willing to love again, and my parents wouldn't even give me the chance. Being denied of love was like being confined, and not having the chance to see the light. Being diagnosed with cancer was a like an eternal darkness; sad and alone. The only one who once understood had died.

Though, I believed that Isaac understood. He gave me hope and the power to believe in my life again. How could my parents take that away from me?

I could never tell them that. They would never understand. They never had cancer before. They don't feel what I do.

Life was slowly getting messed up. I felt as if I had no place, no aspiration.

I stopped thinking pessimistically before the negative thoughts overtook my mind. All I wanted to do was to talk to Isaac – someone who really understood.

I went up the stairs and to my room as fast as I could while dragging my oxygen tank. After catching my breath, I dialed Isaac's number, feeling a sense of relief as I punched in the digits and listened to the ringing.


	5. Chapter 5

"Hello?"

"Isaac!" I exclaimed overly excited. "Wow that came out too intense."

I heard a static laugh through the phone.

"I wasn't trying to startle you or anything… I just… Wow. I don't know." I said. "Whenever you're around, I feel like I'm floating in a bubble of happiness – that sounded so cheesy – and whenever you're not around, I'm yearning to see your face again. And when I do see it, I'm at ease."

I took a deep breath to regroup my thoughts.

"Oh my god. Why am I telling you this? I thought I was thinking it, not saying it aloud."

He laughed again. I shook my head and felt bad, realizing what I really had to say to him.

"Sorry." I said.

"What?"

"Sorry for ruining your life, for leaving you forever alone, for stomping on your heart and for destroying your space."

"Hazel?"

"Like I've told Gus before, 'I am a grenade. I'm going to explode and obliterate everything in my way and… and… I don't want to hurt you.'"

My eyes water but I struggle to keep from crying.

"Cancer is this concrete barrier that's keeping us apart, and no matter how hard you try to break it down, I have to keep it up, because if I let you onto my side, the wall can collapse and hurt us."

I gave up and tears rolled down my face. I had to take off my tubes for a second to wipe my face with the blankets of my bed.

"Hazel-Grace, stop it with the depressing metaphors." he said. "Look, I'm not a baby. Even if we both die, don't you think we should enjoy our lives while they last, and not isolate ourselves?"

I sniffed a little before answering.

"Yeah."

"Our stories have more pages to them. Why stop writing now?"

Deep down, Isaac was wise and full of life advice that I'd never known of. That one in particular actually made me feel better. I'd been pretty depressed for most of my life, but Isaac had helped feed that one cell of optimism amongst my well-fed cancer cells. I realized that I loved that about him.

"I agree. It's up to us to write our own stories. I want to make the rest of mine happy."

"Me too."

I felt his smile through the phone and instantly felt way better. It was like magic.

"Hey, when did my mom kick you out?"

"Like right after you left."

"So, you didn't hear anything, right?"

"Nope."

I didn't want him to hear the part where I said that I sort of loved him. A big part of me didn't want him to know. It was stupid, but I was having a hard time letting go of Augustus. But maybe, he wanted me to let go?

"By the way, we were supposed to read 'An Imperial Affliction'…"

"I have an idea. I can read it to you through the phone."

"Sure. But not the whole book."

"A chapter? A page?"

"No…"

"How short?"

"I was thinking maybe a sentence…"

"What?" I yelled so loudly, my nubs shifted.

"It'll be a challenge. Pick the best sentence, and explain why it's the best one."

"God, you're weird. Has anyone ever told you that?"

I flipped through my favourite book, smiling with my whole face. My tears and sadness were wiped away like sand in the wind. He had a way of making me feel like I didn't have any problems in life; like I didn't have cancer anymore. He was like my medicine, literally.

"Okay, you know what? I am going to find that one sentence. My _favourite _sentence in my _favourite_ book… I don't even know if that's possible…" I said, trailing off to focus on the words.

"Okay… I think I've got a half of a sentence…"

"A half? I let you tell me a sentence and you pick half?"

"It's really significant, just hold on… here it is: '…is a side effect of dying'"

"I don't understand."

"Let me explain. You know how everyone is all like, 'Sleepiness is a side effect of cancer'? Well, it's actually a side effect of dying. They're all side effects of dying because cancer _is_ dying, eventually." I said.

The line was quiet for a minute and I thought he didn't understand.

"Hello?" I asked.

"I need to show you how to be less depressing."

"What?"

"Everything is always about cancer and death. Remember, you're not dead yet!" he said.

"But I'm not sad."

"Don't lie to yourself. Make the most of your life."

Isaac inspired me to think more optimistically. I liked that.

I sat near the window of my room, admiring the view of my street; it was always so… happy. All of the plants and trees were this vibrant shade of green that practically lit up the whole street. Sometimes, I would be jealous of the little kids running around freely, but that moment then, I was glad to be me. Those little kids didn't have what I had; they didn't have Isaac in their lives.

I looked at the phone in my hand then hugged it. It was probably the weirdest thing I've ever done, but it felt right.

"Calm down before you break the phone!" said a voice from inside my arms.

Startled, I jumped up and dropped it.

"Isaac?"

"I never left."

"Where are you?"

"On the floor. You just dropped me."

Still in a mild state of shock, I giggled as I looked out the window and saw Isaac standing on the lawn, laughing too.

"I don't give up that easily!" he yelled from below.

My laugh consisted of uncontrollable bubbly hiccups of joy that sounded horrendous. But Isaac once told me it was beautiful.

"Let me take you somewhere!" he shouted.

I decided to let go and follow him. I didn't want to be one of those sneaky bad girls in books that went off with those guys. No. That was not Hazel-Grace Lancaster.

Lugging my oxygen tank along with me, I stumbled down the stairs and stopped suddenly so Mom and Dad could know I was leaving. They both came out, appearing annoyed.

Looking straight at the door, I mentally announced something that Isaac had been implying on the phone: Life is too short to deprive myself of pure happiness.

I walked straight out the door and slammed it behind me, feeling no regrets.

The sky swallowed me in a swirly light blue-ish-purple-ish embrace. It was about the moment right before the sunset; the moment that always took my breath away.

Isaac was already in the passenger seat as I walked towards it. Getting in, I realized that I would have to ask the question I had asked him before.

"So, how are you going to direct me if you can't see?"

"I'm pretty good with direction. I think I can just do it verbally." he said.

I scoffed and raised my eye brows at him.

"You better not mess up." I said before starting up the car and driving.

"Okay, so I'm imagining that you're going down a straight street. I believe your street is Hinterton Cove, and… prepare to turn right."

_Correct so far_, I thought as I turned.

"You sound like a GPS." I said.

Ignoring my comment, he continued.

"So, you are probably passing that big park. And I'm pretty sure you… keep going straight here. Oh, no, no! You have to turn left here."

My hands were shaking the wheel, and made it harder to drive properly. Well, my hands and Isaac's crappy instructions.

"I've never had a blind person direct me before." I said.

His directions were sudden and I had this lingering thought that I was going to crash into something.

"It's probably only like… another three minutes." he announced.

After a whirlwind of messed up driving directions, abrupt turns and angry honks, we made it to a music school around the same neighborhood as the church, where support group was held.

"Is this the place? A music school?" I asked.

He remained seated for a moment with an innocent smile. The place was big with lights that cut through the milky sky.

"This," - he paused for dramatic effect - "is where dreams come true."

He got out of the car and walked towards the school, as if he'd known the path and everything. I followed him, not knowing what to expect.

As we got closer, a thick and lovely tune filled my mind; music. Something I could always turn to when books didn't work out.

We opened the double doors and I was greeted with louder music, shiny, beige floor tiles, and a crystal chandelier that made the room glow.

"Follow me," Isaac said and he confidently turned left, like he wasn't blind at all.

I entered a room like the entry way, but this one was filled with black, brown, and white grand pianos.

Then all the puzzle pieces clicked together.

"I got it – you used to play piano and now you still do, even though you're blind." I guessed.

"Good." he said as he stopped at a large white piano. "But you left out the part of me teaching you."

At that moment, a shivery sensation rose in my stomach and caught in my chest. I wasn't sure what it was, but it seemed to fill me with excitement.

I was grateful that he wanted to teach me. With the whole cancer thing, I never really had the time or effort to engage myself in musical activity. I sang in the shower here and there, but it was always so off key. I only listened to music.

"Good luck trying to teach me." I mumbled.

Sitting down next to him on the small piano chair, I was claustrophobic. The chair was less than two butts wide and I struggled to sit on the edge and not fall off. Every time I started to fall and scooched back into the middle of the chair my breathing would become harder – it had nothing to do with my lung dysfunction. It was Isaac's presence that aroused me.

Even though he was blind, he was amazing. His hands ran over the keys and a light classical song eased the tension.

"Do you expect me to play that or something?" I asked, clearly stunned.

He stopped playing to answer me.

"Oh, sorry. I got carried away there. And no. Let's start small." he said.

"This is middle C." he announced and he pointed to a key, probably in the middle of the piano. "Play it."

I pressed down on it, loving the way the sound vibrated at my command.

"This is D." he said, moving my hand to press the note to the right of the previous one.

More uncomfortable jitters heated up my insides when he held my hand.

"Why are there so many notes on this thing?" I asked.

"They repeat." he replied.

He explained the whole repeating pattern, followed by those small black things called sharps and flats.

About ten minutes after we started, I was able to play a very simple tune that consisted of the notes C, D, and E, in different orders.

Throughout the lesson, he'd put his warm hand over mine or under mine and I'd look over at his face, only to realize once again that we were inches apart. It made me nervous, but it was thrilling.

By the time I drove him back to his house, the sky was a midnight blue hue, but I was certain it wasn't midnight.

He stood in his doorway and I stood on the porch, a fair distance away so I wouldn't throw up on him by accident.

All in black, he almost blended in with the night sky. He waited as if he wanted to say something, but didn't. He just wore a mysterious closed-mouth smile – Isaac and his half facial expressions (considering the fact that his glasses covered half of his face).

"Hazel-Grace,"

"Yeah?" I asked excitedly. He finally had something to say. Something I'd hoped would take my breath away.

"You are good at many things… piano is not one of them." he said, laughing at his own joke as he walked into his house and closed the door.

Not at all what I was expecting, but I definitely loved his wild sense of humor. I loved how Isaac could make me feel like I was floating in a bubble and life was this lovely little thing. But then my bubble popped, and reality sank in.


	6. Chapter 6

It wasn't until that night that I remembered once again that the world was not a wish-granting factory. Nothing would ever be perfect in life and one would have to accept the faults in their life. Some would have more difficulties than others. That night, I collapsed under the weight of a million problems packed into one. But at first, the night started off okay.

After the night out with Isaac, my parents weren't disappointed in me or anything. They were starting to accept the fact that I wanted to live my life. It was an awkward conversation that left me almost speechless.

"I'm back." I had said.

"Were you with Isaac?"

I had frozen, not knowing how to answer without getting in trouble.

"Yes." I'd stated, trying to sound confident.

They'd paused for a moment before speaking again.

"Alright." My mom said with a small smile forming.

Unsure of what had happened I said goodnight and hobbled up the stairs with my oxygen tank.

Then it came again. No, not the cancer.

The sudden urge to see Isaac again. I hated that he lived neighborhoods away from me. How many houses was that?

It was then that I confirmed that I was definitely losing my mind. I hadn't been this crazy with Augustus.

My uncontrollable mind started wondering off into a billion different directions as I sat on my bed.

My relationship with Augustus had been a little more intellectual. But he also made me laugh. But Isaac was just extraordinary. Who was better?

I stopped myself in mid-thought before making a stupid mental decision I would probably regret.

No matter how hard I tried not to think about Isaac or Augustus, they had a way of always creeping up in my mind.

Looking out my window, I noticed that deep purple-ish shade I loved. Then the weirdest thing happened; I wondered if Isaac could see it too. Maybe we were both staring out the window at that beautiful, mauve, night sky.

Isaac was a really great friend. He was funny, caring, insightful and more. But are friends supposed to pop up in your mind every now and then? What about that unexplainable yearning feeling I get to see his face, to feel his presence, to hear his voice, to… touch him. Are those the feelings you should have for someone who is_ just a_ _friend_?

It all happened so fast and I couldn't detect my emotions. When Augustus died, I thought I could never be so attached to someone ever again. But sitting in my room, staring through the night, everything had seemed to change.

My heart pounded in my ears, and my stomach felt like it was floating somehow. The fluttering was somewhat uncomfortable, but I realized what I was feeling, and smiled. It was that beautiful and thrilling sensation of being in love… with a blind guy.

Others would've found it weird, but to me, it was _perfect_.

It would be our little forever beyond numbers.

That's when I started to think about Augustus again. Would he be jealous? Disappointed?

Or would he be encouraging and happy that I had attempted to move on?

Should I have cared?

An infinite string of unanswerable questions filed into my brain.

Taking a deep breath, I lay down in my bed to calm my thinking. Just when I settled my heart rate, the vibration of my phone startled me.

At that point, I was half asleep; it was almost midnight. My phone lay on top of my bedside table and it took so much effort to reach it. My fingertips grazed the edge before my whole hand fell.

But it continued to ring.

I finally got out of bed and grabbed the phone, only to let it slip right out of my hand after seeing the caller ID.

I inspected every detail to ensure that what I was seeing was real.

The almond hair.

The deep eyes.

The crooked smile.

Someone who had had a leg cancer.

Someone who was supposed to be experiencing an inevitable oblivion.

Someone I never thought I'd see again.

_Augustus Waters…_

And there he was, calling me.

My phone had landed face up and I stared at his face and the subtitle that read, _Gus_ as it vibrated.

If it really was him, what would he think about Isaac and me? I was planning on telling Isaac that I had feelings for him. But what if Gus still has feelings for me? And… I'm still in love with Gus.

But what if it wasn't him?

My heart screamed, _Answer!_

But my head yelled, _Don't!_

During my mental tug-of-war battle, the exhaustion kicked in. I tried to shake it off to focus on what I should do.

I wanted to turn around and tell the commanding voices to shut up, but I couldn't. They were trapped inside of me, echoing and ricocheting while getting louder.

I looked at every detail of the picture, as if it would help me determine if it was really him. But I would never find out until I picked up.

It took every inch of power to pick up the phone. What was I scared of?

I slid my damp finger over the phone symbol and brought Augustus (supposedly) to my ear.

I gulped before quietly asking, "Hello?"

**Sorry this one took so long! It took me forever to figure out how write this. Thanks for all your awesome support :0)**


	7. Chapter 7

Slow and even heavy breathing came through the phone.

Now that was just creepy.

"Hello?" I asked again, my voice coming out strained.

I received the same reply. I waited for about five more seconds before hanging up and letting my phone slip through my jittery hands again.

I finally decided that I was being abnormally paranoid and lay down in my bed to try to get some sleep.

Minutes past and I lay there wide awake, staring at the ceiling, tracing the intricate designs with my eyes. I looked at my bedside clock that read, 2:47 am.

Then my mind focused on that random call from "Augustus Waters".

The funny thing was that there was actually someone on the other end. And he called me! I was itching for adventure and there it was.

Finding Augustus.

But how was that even possible? He was dead? Buried, even. I saw it all! What could've happened?

Suddenly my mind was bursting with unexplainable possibilities. The whole idea of looking for him frightened me because I _knew_ it was impossible. But if I didn't take the opportunity, I would regret it all my life. So what choice did I have?

I wanted to find my love with Augustus again.

_But what about Isaac?_ A voice in my head asked.

Wouldn't he want to find his best friend?

That night, I decided that I would set out on a journey to reunite with my dead boyfriend, "Augustus Waters".

The next day was hotter than the previous days. It was one of those times where you could feel the heat waves attacking you as soon as you stepped outside. The type of weather that made it harder to breathe.

A couple minutes after getting up, my phone beeped. I hadn't received a text message since the Augustus times… which were apparently not over yet.

Walking over, I expected to see some creepy text message from Augustus, but I was taken by surprise to see one from my friend Kaitlyn.

Kaitlyn: How are you? Haven't chatted in a while…

Kaitlyn! I haven't heard from her in a long time. I was so occupied with Augustus and my cancer that I had completely forgot about her. She was a great friend and I missed her. I started texting back.

Hazel: Other than my bloated lungs, I guess I could be better, thanks for asking.

I loved using that one.

Hazel: What have you been up to?

Kaitlyn: Well I've been doing tons of shopping and designing, you know, pursuing my dreams. You?

Hazel: After the funeral, I befriended Augustus' best friend named Isaac

I sent that much and then paused, wondering if I should tell her about the whole Augustus coming back to life thing. Before I could continue typing, she sent something else.

Kaitlyn: Ooh la la! Is he hot?

After reading that, I felt my stomach tighten and my air escape me. It was a feeling that was uncalled for.

How would I answer that? I decided to change the topic completely.

Hazel: Oh by the way, do you wanna hang out today?

Kaitlyn: Sure! Meet you at the mall at 12

With that, I placed my phone on my bedside table and started getting ready. I normally took my showers in the evenings, but I had completely forgotten the night before, so I ditched it. I change out of my pajamas and into a green t-shirt and jean shorts. I knew Kaitlyn would always dress fashionably, so I put on some golden studs to improve my outfit.

Once I was downstairs, I told Mom that I would be out with Kaitlyn for most of the afternoon and she encouraged it. I felt as if a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

"But you need to eat something first." Mom said.

I barely ate. I was rarely hungry and Mom had said I was getting skinny.

Every time I ate, I just felt like throwing it up again.

"Please. For me?" she asked.

Mom's constant demands for me to eat only made me want to eat even less. But I bit into some bread anyways.

Right after one bite, I felt a strange dizziness. It was the feeling I always got before puking. The bread seemed to be floating in my stomach and the feeling was unsettling. Something rose in my chest and rushed to the bathroom to throw it up.

It was becoming a lot more instant.

I looked over at Mom, only to see a slight sadness in her deep brown eyes.

"Sorry," I said uncomfortably.

I knew she felt my cancer getting worse. She just never said anything. She only gave me these sympathetic looks every time it became more evident. But there was nothing she could do.

Nothing I could do.

I mumbled something about going to see Kaitlyn and she gave me a small smile.

Soon, I was driving my car, grinning at that constant summer breeze that I could never get enough of.

My peaceful state of mind didn't last long when the whole Augustus thing came back to me. What if finding him was dangerous somehow? And did I really want to do it all by myself?

Then I decided that maybe it wasn't such a good idea. My mind lingered on the thought until I reached the mall.

I walked in and saw Kaitlyn instantly. She was always so much more fashionable then the rest. I saw her seated at one of the window seats at the food court and brought me and the oxygen tank over.

"Hazel, Darling!" Kaitlyn exclaimed.

I almost forgot about the British accent.

Kaitlyn was probably one of the most beautiful people I've ever known. Her dark brown hair was always wrapped into a bun, which brought out her features nicely.

"Hi," I said, my mind wondering about the Augustus situation.

I debated over if I should tell Kaitlyn or not. Would she try to help? Where would we even start?

Before I could say anymore, Kaitlyn spoke.

"So… this Isaac guy. You still didn't tell me if he was hot." she pressed, her eyes widening.

I laughed a little to disguise my inner emotions. She must've noticed me starting to avoid her gaze because she chimed in.

"You like him, don't you?"

That question stirred inside of me. I was truly in love with Gus. But Isaac…

"I-I don't know." I stuttered.

Then it occurred to me; Isaac could get back with Monica at any time. So it would make even more sense to find Gus. But it could've been a total waste of time!

"Are you alright?" Kaitlyn asked. She must've noticed some expression on my face.

I looked at her, not really paying attention. There was so much on my mind that made no sense and I couldn't handle it all on my own.

Something swelled up inside and I had no idea what. It felt like some combination of confusion, frustration, worry and… sadness. But I was over Augustus Waters! Or was I?

"Kaitlyn," It came out as I whispery breath.

I cleared my throat to gather up whatever I was feeling.

"This is going to sound crazy but…" I took a breath. "Augustus might be alive and I'm going to find him."

She stared blankly at me. I thought that I must've scared her or something.

"He's still alive?" she asked.

"I don't know… I think so. I got a call from him."

She sat there for a minute, as if trying to piece things together.

"Alright. I'm coming with you." she finally said.

Relief washed over me and I smiled. It pushed all those other emotions away.

"Thanks, Kaitlyn."

"What about Isaac?"

I stiffened at his name but I still wasn't sure what she was getting at.

"What _about_ Isaac?" "I asked.

I looked around the mall to make sure we weren't making some sort of scene or anything. Aside from the awkward glares people always gave me because of my tank and tubes, it was all normal. I turned back to Kaitlyn.

"Hazel, Isaac is your friend. Are you just going to leave him out on the adventure of your life?"

Yes.

"No..." I said.

It would've been weird telling Isaac. Of course he would want Gus back as a best friend. But it would be awkward since Isaac and I were just starting to hit it off (at least that's what I thought) and then I would tell him that I would be looking for my dead boyfriend…

"Good. Then we'll go there right after this." said Kaitlyn. "Loving the outfit by the way!"

"Yes! I put it on just for you." I replied.

Kaitlyn sighed.

"It's good having you in my life again. I've been going through some stuff too. But I didn't want to dump it on you, since you obviously have enough problems." she said.

"Tell me. I'm fine with it." I lied. I did have too many things to think about.

"Well, I just got out of a relationship with this guy named Alec – you know Alec – and yeah."

I didn't know Alec. Kaitlyn was always dating constantly; all the guys loved her. Her astonishing looks practically got her any guy she wanted. For me, it took a miracle…

"And now, I'm hurting." Kaitlyn said. I always loved Kaitlyn, but sometimes she didn't understand me the way I wanted her to.

She was wrong. She wasn't hurting. She didn't know what hurting was.

_I_ was the one who was hurting.

_I _was the one with the freakin cancer and the true boyfriend crisis.

I answered her with simple nods, not really listening.

Sometimes I felt like _no one_ had a clue what I was going through…

And that's why I was going to go through with my plan of finding Augustus.

**Hi people!**

**So just saying thanks for all of you who are reading! YAY!**

**And btw the story is like just starting. The plot will truly commence in the next chapter and the story will be on its way! Don't worry!There is plenty of awesomeness to come! It gets better! WOOP WOOP!**

**OK...I am going to stop now. TTYL**

**Beacuz**


	8. Chapter 8

Standing on Isaac's porch with Kaitlyn was a little nerve-racking. Wasn't that taking things too fast? I mean, how was I even going to find Gus? Wouldn't that be impossible?

I looked over at Kaitlyn, who seemed a little too excited. She was probably expecting some hunk to walk out of the door.

"He's blind, by the way." I said quietly.

It didn't seem to bother Kaitlyn at all, and for some reason, that bothered me.

He opened the door and stood for a second before saying anything.

"Hazel… and someone new..." he said.

"How did you know?" Kaitlyn asked.

"I use my other senses." he replied. "What's your name?"

"Kaitlyn."

He smiled, swaying on his feet.

"Nice accent. You must have tons of boyfriends…" he trailed off.

Kaitlyn's face was a light shade of pink. She was blushing more than ever. Her giggles made me feel more sick than I already was.

"So," I said, probably a little too loudly. "We have some important stuff to share with you. Can we come in?"

"Sure."

We followed Isaac into his living room with minimal furniture. The couches were plush-like and black. Isaac sat first, followed by Kaitlyn and then me. Out of all the living rooms I've seen, his was the plainest, and it was easy to know why.

How would I share the news to him? Before I could think anymore thoughts, Kaitlyn began, heading straight to the point.

"What would you do if I told you that Augustus wasn't dead?" she asked him.

His demeanor changed from cheerful and welcoming to the one that I could never detect. It appeared like a normal facial expression but how could one be calm with a question like that?

He opened his mouth as if to speak but then Kaitlyn spoke again.

"Because he might still be alive." she said.

I wasn't sure what to say so I just kept quiet and observed Isaac. He had his head down. If he had eyes, he would've been staring at one spot on his dark-wash jeans.

"And… Hazel and I are going to find out if he really is." she added. "Will you help us find him?"

He pushed his hair back with his fingers and began to shake his head.

"No." he said simply. Kaitlyn looked as surprised as I did.

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave." he said, with no hint of emotion in his voice.

"What?" It suddenly slipped out of my mouth.

"You heard me."

"No explanation? Just, no?" I pressed. I was probably on bad terms with Isaac then, and it was all Kaitlyn's fault for suggesting we tell him about Gus.

"C'mon Hazel, we don't need him." said Kaitlyn.

She didn't need him, but in a strange way, I did. Isaac understood things than Kaitlyn ever did. We had this bond that was too strong to just cut short. My life without Isaac would be totally different. I wouldn't have had anyone to fill the hole I got when Gus died. If he hadn't come to my backyard that night, I might've committed suicide. He had been like an angel sent down from above. Maybe sent down from Augustus…to fill a purpose…

But walking out of his house that day, I wasn't so sure. He just didn't want to help find Gus. Maybe he knew something that Kaitlyn and I didn't?

I was too shocked to properly press for details, but I trusted Isaac to tell me.

In the car with Kaitlyn, my mind was in a billion places at once.

_What am I going to do about Augustus? What am I going to do about Isaac?_

It was only two questions that bugged me, but it seemed like numerous questions packed into each one; they each had tons of follow-up questions.

"Are you alright?" Kaitlyn asked while in the car together.

My mind was swarming harder than ever and I managed to sound out something that sounded like a yes.

"You know, you need to get your mind off of things. Let's go to Starbucks!" suggested Kaitlyn.

I wasn't a big eater or drinker, but I could tell that Kaitlyn was overly-excited and wasn't going to change her mind anytime soon.

That's my Kaitlyn; usually thinking of herself.

When we were seated there, the experience was more awkward than any of my other ones. Eyes lingered on me and my equipment for way too long. I tried to seem unfazed by it, but it was really bothering me. I attempted to focus on what I had ordered. Actually, Kaitlyn ordered it for me when I told her that I didn't care what drink it was.

After one sip of some cold whipped coffee mixture, I felt that immediate nausea again. This was faster than with Mom at breakfast. I groaned and managed to keep the puke down. This captured more unwanted attention. What was up with my nausea?

I chugged the rest of the drink, hoping it would help, and it did.

"Oh my, Hazel! I've never seen you digest so much in one go." Kaitlyn said. She wasn't even half way done her pink drink.

"Yeah, I don't know what's up with me."

She took a slow sip and the straw filled with colour.

"So," Kaitlyn started. "I thought we could visit Gus' house and search the room for his cell phone and maybe ask the family some questions."

I nodded and thought of Gus again. I couldn't help thinking about him and visualizing him. I truly missed him. I always would.

"Let's go." I said.

As soon as I got up, I felt an unsettling thump in my lower abdomen and had to sit back down.

"I don't know what's wrong with me." I told Kaitlyn.

"It's okay. Let's just stay here until your pain goes away." she said.

It was as if the pain was a punch that hurt temporarily, because it went away as soon as I sat down.

"It's gone." I announced.

We got up and walked out, Kaitlyn close behind me incase anything happened.

Right before we exited Starbucks, Kaitlyn stopped me.

"Hazel, I think we should continue the mission tomorrow." she said, her accent more evident all of a sudden. "You don't look so good."

"Oh. Then I guess I'll see you tomorrow…"

"See you," Kaitlyn said as she walked out and away. I walked to my car and began to drive home.

"Hazel!" my dad called when I got home. He appeared suddenly and then hugged me.

I lightly pushed him off so he wouldn't squeeze me.

"Is everything alright?" he asked.

Was everything alright? I was looking for my dead boyfriend, my current friend that was a boy probably hated me or something, I've been getting weird pains in my body, and my life was twirling into an awkward upside down position.

"Um…" I wanted to deal with the most important problem first; the one that consisted of random bursts of pain in my stomach and a strange appetite.

"Can we call Dr. Maria?" I asked as I watched my Dad's expression change to a worried one.

Dad rushed to the phone to dial and I thought of the worst possible thing that could be happening to me. But it couldn't have been happening to me! How was I supposed to handle it?

With a phone in hand, Dad paced around the living room, not knowing what to expect.

"Yes. This is Hazel's Dad. Hazel would like to speak to you."

With everything going on, I couldn't deal with this.

_Not now!_ I thought as I gnawed on my lip.

It was then that my heart was racing because I didn't know how I would cope with all the pressures.

Normal people would never be able to understand how hard this would be for me.

Before I knew it, I had the phone in my hand and Dr. Maria on the other end.

"Hazel? Hazel, is everything okay?"

"I…" I paused to blink as a tear rolled down. "I think I'm pregnant."

**Ooh! Suspense! What's gonna happen? Well I know what's gonna happen cuz I'm the yourself for emotions...And don't worry, Isaac comes back into this soon. And it's not all sadness. There is more humor to come.**

**beacuz**


	9. Chapter 9

I grasped the phone a little too tightly as uncontrollable sobs rattled my whole body. I had no idea where it came from. I even momentarily forgot that Dad was somewhere in the room. I wanted to be strong… for him. But I was confused, angry, sad, and very nauseous.

Oh yeah, and pregnant.

The thought scared me so much, it made me cry even more. There were so many problems with the situation. How could I take care of a baby when I could barely take care of myself? What would Isaac think? Was it even possible for someone with cancer to give birth? I didn't want to take on the responsibility. I wasn't ready!

Something rose inside of me and I needed to throw up. Liquid spilled out of my mouth and I didn't remember forcing it.

"Hello? Congratulations?"

Dr. Maria was still on the phone.

_Congratulations?_

I felt somewhat empty. Like my heart and happiness had been ripped out of my body. And my vocal chords seemed to be gone too.

"Hi," It almost a whisper.

"Okay, um, meet in my office tomorrow at 11 am."

With that, I hung up and placed the phone back in its home.

On the couch, I curled up into a ball and attempted to slow my breathing.

Mom came out of nowhere and sat beside me. Dad sat on the other side of me.

"It's okay. We'll get through this together." Mom said.

I hugged her and thought of how my life had changed in the last few weeks. I also wondered how my life would be in the next few weeks. And if I would have a life at all.

Later that night, Mom and I went out to buy one of those pregnancy test things. I didn't want to believe it, but I really was pregnant.

Mom drove me to Dr. Maria's office the next morning. I decided to text Kaitlyn on the way.

Hazel: We're going to Dr. Maria's office. Oh ya, and I'm pregnant.

Kaitlyn didn't respond for about a minute. She must've been in shock.

Kaitlyn: HOLY SHIT!

I imagined her yelling that in her British accent and laughed inside. But then I calmed down to tell her that this was not a good thing.

Hazel: This isn't a good thing. How am I going to take care of the baby if I can't even take care of myself? And can the baby even survive? I don't want to give birth! I don't want to create a child that will have to go through the same things as I do!

There were so many "what-if's" that all lead downhill.

Kaitlyn: R U leaning towards abortion?

I haven't really thought about it, but the idea made me sicker than I already was.

Hazel: No. I just don't know what to do

Kaitlyn: If I were you, I would let my friends and family help me raise my child and take care of me.

But I didn't want to just dump my problems on everyone. They would think that they could handle it, but could they?

Just then, Mom parked in the parking lot.

Hazel: I don't know. I guess I'll think about it. G2G

Kaitlyn didn't respond after that.

We walked into Dr. Maria's office and she was already there.

"Please, have a seat."

We obeyed.

"So, has it been confirmed that you are pregnant?" she asked.

"Yes." I felt like I was being interrogated for committing an illegal crime.

Dr. Maria had black curly hair that fell by her shoulders. She was studying a clipboard. When she looked at me, her hair bounced a little. Her expression was solemn.

"People with cancer such as yours, don't usually try for babies." she finally said. "Look, I don't want to sugar-coat anything, but… your baby can't survive."

My face fell instantly. I wasn't keen on having a baby in the first place but I was against what she said.

"Your cancer is unpredictable and it's not safe to be pregnant… not safe for you nor the baby." she said. "By going through with this, you could jeopardize your health. If the baby is fully grown inside of you, it can put too much pressure on your well-needed organs. Hazel, you could die faster and more painfully."

Tears spilled out of my eyes at Dr. Maria's words.

"Then what do you suggest I do?"

She looked back down at her clipboard and shook her head lightly, making her curls bounce some more.

"I don't know. Abortion would probably just make it worse for you. Any other medicine or technology touching your fragile body could be dangerous, and kill you faster."

All this talk about me dying made me cry harder.

"I'm afraid, Hazel, there is nothing we can do."


	10. Chapter 10

Nothing we can do. Nothing we can do. Nothing we can do.

Those were Doctor Maria's words; the words that would haunt the rest of my life. The scary thing was that I didn't even know how much life I had left.

There was that feeling. That crazy and inevitable feeling that would always stay with me, and only cancer patients would understand it. The thing is, one wouldn't know when they will die or when they will have a sudden attack or breakdown. You sort of just wait for it to happen. But it's all about fate.

Cancer was supposed to take me a long time ago, but it allowed me to live on. To explore more of this maze called life. And I feel that with every step forward, the more the walls close in, and the more obstacles are formed. Cancer is the big one-eyed monster chasing me as I run through this maze. If I trip over the obstacles, I'll get eaten. So the answer to living seems simple right? Just don't trip?

But how can I jump over and dodge all of these obstacles when I can't even stand on my own two feet?

I pondered in my bed the night of the appointment. It was usually at nighttime when the scary and depressing thoughts would creep up. Every night I would think of giving up on the maze and hitting that "game over" button myself. But there was something that always told me to hold on just a little longer.

I never knew what it was.

With all the scattered thoughts running around inside, I somehow managed to drift into a deep sleep.

My eyes flutter open to a face so close to mine. No, it couldn't have been him. I've mistaken him once before. But yes, it was him, looking happier, and more handsome than ever. It was the one and only Augustus Waters.

But then I blinked, and he disappeared. He completely vanished, leaving a lump of vomit in his place. Oh wait no, that was me.

I sat up more confused than ever. I didn't recall forcing puke out of my throat. How could I have done it subconsciously? Or maybe I did in the middle of the night and forgot? Being pregnant was so confusing. All I knew at that moment is that I was suddenly starving.

I trudged down stairs, feeling a little more sluggish than usual.

There was a sudden ding at the doorbell and I took my time getting to the door. When I finally opened it, Kaitlyn stood in front of me, wearing clothes way to fashionable for so early in the morning.

I muttered a strange mix between a groan and a sigh.

"Kaitlin. It's early. What do you want?" I asked, a little annoyed.

"Woah, someone's getting cranky. And by the way it's like afternoon. You must've slept in."

Ignoring the rather mean comment, I repeated my question but tried not to sound as cranky.

"What do you want, Kaitlyn?"

"Let's go to Gus' house. The curiosity has been killing me!"

Kaitlyn's loud and excited brittish voice was way too much to handle in the morning but I was too tired to say no. I simply followed Kaitlyn to her car and we drove down the street.

When we pulled up to the familiar house, all the memories came rushing back. I knew that when I walked in, Augustus would fill my mind. And I was right. His scent filled the house somehow and made it feel like he was right there, in front of me. Seeing the encouragements on the walls made me hear his sweet voice reading them. It's funny how it's all in my mind.

We were greeted my Gus' mom, who appeared to be aging faster. It's strange what someone else's death can do to someone. I think the more loved that person is, the greater the mental and physical impact is. Wait, then, how-come I'm okay? Am I really okay?

It was then that I realized that Gus' mom was waiting for an answer from me. But I hadn't heard the question.

"Um... C-Can we go to Gus' room? I think I forgot my... Um... cell phone?" I stuttered.

She motioned for us to come in and we went upstairs. Dragging the oxygen tank everywhere I went was intense and annoying, especially up the stairs. But eventually one gets used to it and it becomes a part of you. But now that I was pregnant, I would have to carry an extra person around. How was I going to do it?

Augustus' room looked about the same as I last saw it. Except there was his wheelchair in the corner and a couple things here and there that I haven't seen before.

I looked over at Kaityn and she was already searching all around the room for "clues". I decided to let Kaitlyn do all the looking because I was already getting tired.

Just as I sat on the bed, I saw it, a bright red piece of paper that stood out from the blueness of his bedroom.

"Kaitlyn, I found something."

Kaitlyn stopped digging through a pile of clothes on the floor and came to sit beside me.

I scanned the paper for any words or numbers and luckily, I found some. But sadly, they made no sense. It was a string of 7 numbers in really bad hand writing. Was it Augustus' hand writing? I've never seen him write before.

Kaitlyn rubbed one number with her finger, and to my surprise, it didn't smudge.

"Alright, so, we know it's not fresh but not too fresh..." - she inspected further - " ...and it's a phone number!"

"Well let's call it then." I said.

Kaitlyn pulled out her phone, turned of caller ID, and dialled. She put the phone to her ear and waited.

"Hi! Is this the... Cooper residence?" Kaitlyn asked.

Then she nodded, probably hearing the last name of whoever lived there.

"Alright... Can I speak to your... Uh... Son?" Kaitlyn asked.

I understood her strategy. She was guessing and getting the correct answers from whoever was on the phone. Kaitlyn was smarter than I thought.

Her face suddenly went pale and she hung up. The expression on her face couldn't be good.

"Kaitlyn?"

"This is Monica's phone number. Monica Shaw."

Ugh, Monica.

Why was her number in Gus' room? Was he cheating on me too? No, no he wasn't. I remembered that Kaitlyn had said that the paper was fresh, but not too fresh.

"Isaac is good friends with Monica, why don't we see what he thinks?"

Ugh, Isaac.

Isaac and Monica. Why couldn't he just leave me alone to be with Monica? Is it that hard to choose between us?

Before I knew it, we were at Isaac's porch and I had the paper stuffed in my pocket. After about ten continuous knocks, he yanked open the door. It was probably the worst I've ever seen him.

His hair that was once black, appeared a weird grey shade and was sticking out and random places. But no beard stubble. Isaac never had beard stubble.

"Hazel, Kaitlyn," he said little impatiently.

Kaitlyn started.

"Sorry to be a bother but we found something, a red piece of pa-"

"Oh, red!" Isaac exclaimed. I was mildly freaked out. He had never been so random like this.

"I used to see red. It was that colour that was all shocking like? The one that captivated your eyes? The colour of the ocean, right? Heck, I can't even remember what colour an apple is? Blue, right?" Isaac was going crazy. Him being blind was controlling his whole mind. I didn't know what to do.

"Isaac, focus. Did Monica ever give you anything?" I asked, steering him back on topic.

I wanted to take back my question because I knew he would say something stupid like, she gave me love.

"Ignore that question." I said. He was scratching his head like a maniac.

"I think you need to sit down. Kaitlyn? Can you escort him to the couch?"

She guided him into the living room and I followed, thinking of ways to ask him questions. But it seemed like all the answers were coming to me.

There was a bright red stack of sticky notes on the counter.

"Has Monica ever come into your house?" I asked.

"Yeah, she came yesterday, to apologize. And now we're in love again."

It stung like hell. I felt the bile rise in my throat. But it wasn't the pregnancy.

I wanted to scream that he didn't love Monica, he loved me. Even with my cancer and pregnancy. But how realistic was that.

Did he still love me? What did Monica do to him? What happened to him? He never even officially said that he didn't love me anymore. I decided to hold off on the personal questions. Oh yeah, and I had to tell him I was pregnant sometime soon.

"Did you go to Gus' house for anything?" Kaitlyn asked.

He hesitated. Hesitation means something...


End file.
